How to Spot Toxic Perfectionism

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Brene Brown talks about living in a culture where we are expected to be perfect, and what it’s like to be our own worst enemy. There is a lot of change happening between generations, and I am seeing a lot of hope within that change. I am seeing people embracing natural hair, acceptance of all body types, no or minimal makeup, body hair, skipping college debt, and talking about race. In other words, slowly a younger generation is saying it’s okay to be you, warts and all.

However, we all have an inner critic to contend with, even if the culture around is starting to accept individual differences. This inner critic can be a “drama queen”, telling us how bad everything is going to be, why we shouldn’t even try, and a host of other lies. The inner critic can be so convincing that it’s hard to step back and realize that these thoughts are not true. It’s so much easier to be negative and hard on yourself than to believe that good things are possible and it’s okay to be vulnerable and fail every once in a while. The following are a few ways to spot when the inner critic has gone too far and taken over your life:

Signs of Toxic Perfectionism

-Nothing is ever good enough.

-You are sure you will fail, so you don’t even begin something.

-You spend way too much money on trying to impress other people.

-You don’t feel good about yourself and wish you could be someone else.

-You berate others for not living up to your own standards.

-You suffer from anxiety and experience stress when called upon to perform.

-You have a hard time making a choice, constantly fearing you are making the wrong choice.

-You put yourself down, before other people can (and you are sure they will, even if evidence is to the contrary.)

-You can’t accept compliments.

-You are irritated or embarrassed by other people’s vulnerabilities and flaws.

-You are constantly measuring yourself and comparing yourself to other people.

-Putting on an appearance of being someone you are not.

-You see things in black and white.

-You place your self-worth in what other people say about you.

Toxic perfectionism can often be a result of emotional abuse, neglect, trauma, culture, social or academic settings, or growing up with narcissistic, or emotionally immature parents. It’s important to realize that we all struggle with an inner critic, even people who seem put together. Find someone that you trust to share your struggles with, so you don’t have to fight your battles alone. Perfectionistic habits can be hard to break, but learning to be okay with yourself is a reward in itself.