Introduction to Covert Narcissism

Most of us have some idea of what narcissism looks like – the person who speaks only about themselves in grandiose terms, who holds up a line of traffic to get that perfect parking spot, who blames other people for their problems, who lacks empathy, yada yada. Narcissists are a great caricature and we could probably identify a few on the national scene and some homegrown narcissists we might have in our backyard as well.

Many people, however, have no idea what covert narcissism (CN) is and are therefore caught unaware until the effect of their behavior takes a devastating toll on the people around them, and very few people can even identify what happened.

The charm of a covert narcissist can be overpowering. When they are in the lovebombing stage, they wear their heart on their sleeves. It seems like the world has been against them for a long time, and they seem so caring, so likeable, so empathetic.  They often come with a very pitiable tale of woe, much of which is not exactly the whole picture, which you don’t find out until later, if at all. A CN can seem so likeable, and they want to spend time with you and find so many ways to do so. At this point, they are observing you and imitating you. All their attention is so flattering and refreshing. It’s easy to let your guard down with someone who is so seemingly kind and charming. At some point, the CN will let their own mask down, when they tire of you, find another victim, or they feel they are losing their emotional control of you as you set good boundaries or begin to take care of yourself again.

woman covering face with leaf
Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash

The discard phase is like being hit by another vehicle in a fog – you couldn’t see it coming and the destruction can be severe. Sometimes you hear of a seemingly happy marriage and then one spouse tells the other that they never loved or were interested in the other spouse, even after the rejecting spouse last week took both of them on a fabulous anniversary cruise. Or it might be a coworker who acted like your best friend and then started lying about you to a boss or another coworker. It could be a parent who looks like parent of the year to everyone else, but at home calls you names and denies you basic necessities of love, attention, and basic material goods.  Or it could be that “perfect”  friend who then turned everyone in your group against you, and you can’t understand why and it just doesn’t make any sense.

When the discard phase happens, it’s up to the victim to pick up the pieces and process what just happened. Besides dealing with the emotional cost of being in a relationship with a CN, it is not uncommon for victims to have to deal with financial strain, broken relationships, effects of smear campaigns, and sometimes even physical destruction left by a CN in their life. This can make it doubly hard for the target to know where to begin.

The first step is to get help for the emotional pain you have been in. Find a counselor who understands what covert narcissism is and begin the hard work of therapy. Most CNs engage in lying and gaslighting. It’s important that you be able to take back your reality with the help of a trained mental health therapist who can help you to see yourself for the good, honest, caring person that you really are.

Sometimes we are lucky enough to be able to walk away from a CN, but if you are married to one, have a child with one, or work with one, it’s not so easy to just walk away. Whatever the case, it’s a good time to learn to set good boundaries for yourself, both physically and emotionally.  Too much has been taken away from you, and  now it’s time to take your power back. Read books on boundaries, watch videos or find someone you know who seems to hold good boundaries with others and ask them for advice.

Take really good care of yourself. Don’t be too hard on yourself. If you were taken advantage of, don’t beat yourself up over it. Targets are often smart, caring, and confident people. Don’t change a thing about who you are, because that is what makes you  you. Find the little and big things that give you pleasure and begin to enjoy a beautiful, fulfilling life once again.

Over time,  you will be surprised to find joy in your life again as you recover and move on. You will grow stronger and learn from all of this. You will see yourself as good, capable, loving, and caring once again. This is a good time to invest in  yourself and follow your dreams. If you can survive a relationship with a CN, you can do just about anything you set your mind to. You are now stronger, wiser, and more confident. You can do this!

The Power of Tears

woman crying
Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

Driving past the art museum on San Juan Island, the sign for the latest exhibit was the “highway of tears.” This made me think of something that had happened to me lately. I had been suffering some work-related stress for a long time and for various reasons had not been able to talk about it or cry about it at work. Like Rosie the Riveter, I had to be strong and keep going in spite of the pain I felt. After one particularly bad incident, what had been a lingering cough from a one-day cold and really bad pollen, was exacerbated into full-blown asthma attacks. I tried taking days off from work, thinking a day of rest here and there would be enough.  Instead my asthma attacks became more severe.

As Bessel van der Kolk, says in his famous book by the same name, “the body keeps the score.” My body had been worn out by a really difficult work situation for over a year while trying to earn my hours for licensing, and my immune system was  way, way down. Even the nebulizer wasn’t enough to take away my body’s negative reaction to the stress I had experienced. As my symptoms seemed insurmountable and increasingly worse, I called my doctor’s office yet again for help. On the phone, as I began to explain all the triggers for my symptoms I choked up, had to take some deep breaths, and explained what was happening. The nurse was very understanding, and set an appointment for me. Afterwards, I cried a “highway of tears” and just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse for me physically, I began to feel better that day. I no longer needed a nebulizer, what I really needed was the release that only tears could bring. Sometimes tears, not laughter, are the best medicine.

I am still in recovery, and will be taking a week off to take care of myself and heal as much as I can before returning to work. But I thank God for that nurse who happened to be there at the right time, and let me cry.  It was a turning point for me physically and emotionally. I felt better and my body began to recover. For the first time in a month of being sick, I felt better.

I have many clients and their parents who feel bad about crying. They believe the incorrect statements told to them that crying is shameful, a sign of weakness, and proof of mental illness. Let me tell you the truth about crying. Tears are healing and healthy. They are a natural physiological response to stress. Both women and men cry.  The following are some great benefits to crying:

Why Crying is Good for Us:

  • Crying is a great way to regulate our emotions and soothe our wounded souls.
  • Crying is a great social connector. When good people see us cry, they want to help out, which makes them feel good too.
  • Crying promotes attachment. When we cry with someone who really cares, we form a deep bond with that person. Nothing says I love you like someone just letting us cry and let it all out.
  • Crying helps us feel better. Shedding tears helps our bodies release oxytocin and endorphins,the “feel good and warm fuzzies” neurotransmitters released by our central nervous system.
  • Tears release stress hormones. When we have a lot built up in our system for a long time, the best way for them to go is out.

 

For various reasons, there are times when you might need to cry and  you can’t,  just like I did for over a year at work. Tell yourself that it’s okay to cry, and when the time is right, the tears will come. Watch tear-jerking movies, listen to sad music, talk to friends and family members. And when those tears finally give you the sweet release, enjoy the strength and healing that comes afterward. You deserve it!

Social Trauma as Part of the Rural Landscape

Woman looking over shoulder at group of women

When I was first studying for my Master’s in Counseling at Northwest University, there was a lot of emphasis on trauma. Most trauma was specific to one individual and caused by one event or one person. We explored the trauma caused by natural disasters, wars, abusive parents, relatives, or significant others. When I moved to the islands, I realized there was something missing from my education. I heard story upon story of groups of people who either on purpose, out of ignorance, or a desire to maintain status quo and “good intentions” caused collective harm to individuals, who then went on to develop PTSD-like symptoms due to the actions of the specific group. Even when the group’s direct effects faded into the background, the shadow of their criticism, injustice, mob mentality, and other harmful actions continued to haunt the victim’s mind and lives.

I don’t think that social trauma is specific to rural areas, but it certainly has a more powerful effect in a rural community where anonymity and the ability to simply get up and move somewhere else or join a different group is more limited.

Sadly, there is very limited information on social trauma as very few researchers have tackled this important subject. However, in the age of social media, I think it’s time that we start to examine and address the very real trauma faced by victims who have suffered abuse, corruption of power, and other harm by a group of people, both here on our islands and in other parts of the world.

If you have been a victim of social trauma, remember that you deserve to be treated with respect, no matter what. Our role as members of society is to build each other up, not tear each other down. When people in positions of power and responsibility fail to do their job, we must not remain silent. It’s our responsibility to tell our story, and no one can take our story away from us. If you have been a victim of physical or sexual abuse here on the islands, contact SAFE San Juans. It is possible to find healing from social trauma, with a counselor skilled in trauma-informed care. You don’t need to deal with this alone. Share your story with someone who cares.

 

Three Most Common Styles of Parenting

According to Dr. Thomas Gordon in his famous book on parenting, Parent Effectiveness Training, most parents fall into two categories, authoritarian or permissive. His book teaches parents that the best way to increase respect, positive behavior, and good communication between parents and children is to become the third category of parenting – democratic.

What are the Three Types of Parenting Like?

Authoritarian parenting relies on power and tradition to enforce a set of rules or expected behaviors. Many parents rely on this method because it gets the job done quickly and with less initial effort. However, this method does not work in the long run because it can instill fear in children, make them dependent on their parents instead of promoting autonomy, and reduces their own ability to solve problems. Also, it requires a lot of maintenance afterward. Because children are expected to go along with the expected requests and demands or face penalties, parents have to continually nag, check up on their behavior, or tighten control in order to maintain the desired behavior.

Permissive parenting is what we might call helicopter parenting in modern terms. Parents want to give everything to their children, and protect them from as much suffering as possible. As a consequence, children expect and demand that their parents will do everything for them. This keeps them from learning to solve conflicts, face the result of their actions, and become independent of their family. It is a more affection-based parenting philosophy, but it comes at a heavy price as parents become more worn out as children lose their respect for their parents and do little to help either themselves or their parents. Children learn to use emotional manipulation and physical tantrums to get what they want out of their parents. This can take a toll on their life outside of the family – in the classroom, workplace, and out in the community where this self-aggrandizing behavior is not tolerated. This can lead to loneliness, social isolation, and physical or verbal aggression in other relationships.

Democratic parenting encourages parents and children alike to work together to solve problems and make sure needs are met. Democratic parenting blends well with the Boundaries book by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend as it relates to understanding what are the separate needs of parents and their children. Many parents, in their worry about children’s problems, tend to see their problems as their own, and view them as their own responsibility to solve. Children often see their parents’ problem as their own or at least caused by them, even though that is not often the case. In the case of democratic parenting, children get to take responsibility for their own actions and make sure that they don’t impede on the needs of their parents and vice versa. Democratic parenting also involves the use of active listening, not unlike the kind of listening that a good therapist tries to do with a client. It is often called the win-win method of parenting because both parents and children end up more satisfied with the results, with less frustration and resentment.

Where to Go From Here?

Keep in mind that as parents, we try the best that we can. Whether you are an authoritative, permissive, or democratic parent, you are trying your best with what you know. It’s easy to analyze other parents, including yourselves for perceived failures, but it takes more effort to forgive yourself and learn from your mistakes. Parenting is not an easy task, and we don’t often start off our lives as parents with the correct set of tools or instructions. That’s why it’s okay to ask for  help with parenting – because we care about our kids and we want to give them the best.

If you are looking for help to become the best parent you can be, please don’t hesitate to contact me for an appointment.